My mom often has said that she knows that she views life through rose colored glasses. Meaning, that her take on things is not always the reality of what is actually happening or happened.
I say we all view life this way. We hold our standards and ideas as absolutes and they became the basis by which we judge life, people and circumstance. When I find myself overly angry at someone or about something, often if step back, I can see that I am upset only because that person or circumstance didn’t live up to my expectations or moralistic ideas. As often as I would point a finger and lecture on not judging others based on your own set of “do’s and don’ts”, I am probably most guilty of this.
Seventy-five percent of getting better is just letting go. I could say some hippy mumbo-jumbo bull shit about closing your eyes and picturing yourself holding a balloon and letting go of the big red orb and watching it float carelessly away………but I think we all know that the road to letting go is not quite as easy as just opening your hand.
However, it doesn’t have to be so hard either .
The truth is we like excuses for why we are having a hard time changing, at least I know I do. There’s always a big reason why emotionally I am not ready, why physically it hurts and why I deserve this big bowl of ice cream complete with hot fudge and a side of vodka. I like, no wait, I love excuses. Yet if someone told me just that, I would argue to the death that I was working hard enough and that they didn’t understand and yada, yada, yada. In fact, I think just recently I defended myself unjustly about such things.
Changing isn’t hard. I know, stay with me. It isn’t as hard once you realize it’s your pride that’s hurt, not your feelings. It’s the acceptance of your failures that is the hardest pill to swallow. Finally, it’s the movement forward that seems backward to a well dug in habit relying person that makes you want to run back to the comforting arms of self loathing. Sometimes it can be the most comfortable place to be, and also the most dangerous for a person looking to let go. But as I said, letting go of that warm place is 75% of changing, the other 25 is just good old elbow grease and will power.
Having read over this blog I am writing right now, I sit here thinking back on my blog. It is somehow been a self-help blog, oh god help me!!! A quote comes to mind by someone of some importance who is so important I seem to have forgotten the name and the exact quote but it went something like this. All writers are damaged and we write to try to figure things out.
I didn’t set out to write about my journey through dark waters on the world wide internet, not that the mention dark waters are that bad ( wow that was dramatic wasn’t it?). But oddly that’s what has come out. And why is it public? Hell, don’t know that either. Maybe it’s wanting to be heard, maybe it’s that I don’t care or maybe it’s that when I was a small child I fell out of a tree and crushed a squirrel and somehow that really damaged my psyche and now I feel the need to throw up these words in a very public way. I simply don’t know.
Whatever it is, I’m glad your listening….or laughing. Hell, I don’t care, just as long as someone is reading this shit.