Self Loathing: The biggest addiction.

Note: This post may be all over the place and unorganized, I was posting and trying to control a 2 year old. What was i thinking?????

I believe everyone is an addict. You may not have a drug addiction or be an alcoholic or see a sex rehab  for your horny ways but if you look deep enough you will find there is something that you do that you are addicted to.

Mine is self loathing. Give me a reason to be sad and angry and depressed and I will be. I think this confuses people because everyone is always telling me how spunky I am. But I have always believed the most spunky hide the most. It’s not that I am terribly unhappy but these are the things I battle with on a daily. I have to be on guard because when I let that guard down, self loathing creeps in and suddenly I am the only person in the universe. So this is my addiction. It has become better as I have worked and progressed.

My husband often says “Refuse to get angry” and “Living is the best revenge”. I love these. Letting go of the past, of anger and of hurt has been one of the biggest challenges for me. Just when I think I have it and I spout some hypocritical sewage like “I am not angry anymore”, i am immediately challenged. It’s like the gods that be laugh and say “oh yeah?” And then I start to get angry again but this time at myself for not being bigger than that, for acting like a spoiled teenager and not a grown, thriving adult. We also have the misplaced anger, the blame you want to place on others or on circumstances for not having your shit together. It sounds like this, ” It’s because of (fill in the blank) that I am struggling so hard right now”. And while some of it may be true, aren’t we all responsible for our own bullshit decisions? In other words, despite what has or has not happened to us, we are solely responsible for what we do with ourselves after the fact. I could sit here and pat my own ass and tell myself “woe is me” but where the fuck is that getting me? No where fast. So I choose to live and take responsibility for my life.

This year I have dedicated to being a better person and part of that is letting go. Letting go of the past, letting go of disappointments, letting go of hurt and bitterness and letting go of Anger and letting go of self loathing. I am going to refuse to get angry anymore. Without stripping myself of all this fucked up enabling shit, I can not fully embrace the future. It hasn’t been easy, like I said, just when I think I’m good to go, something inevitably happens to show .

I live out loud, my cards are on the table. Sadly I don’t have shit, no Aces to pull me out of the hole, only my own strength. Putting all this on paper, or the computer as it is, holds me accountable. It makes me process my words, examine myself and be sure that what I am putting out there is indeed what I want (or need) to say. It gives me strength.

I know this may have been a bummer post but I make no apologies and I do promise to have some funny stuff on here soon. Two somewhat serious posts in a row, whoo! My bloggers are thinking ‘What the fuck?!” Well….shit happens as they say, and this is a part of my blog so suck it up.

Since I have began to make necessary changes, I am happier. I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy and I plan on taking this through out the day. I will leave with this:

When life gets to be too much and you are tempted to get angry and stay in a state of self loathing remember what my epic husband says “Living is the best revenge”. So go live today and fuck the past, get over it and get over yourself. As Dido said (can’t believe I am quoting her, i don’t even listen to her!)…..Jump In.

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2 thoughts on “Self Loathing: The biggest addiction.

  1. Sometimes through your blog, I feel like I am getting to know a whole new person than I have ever known, and that is a good thing I think. Self loathing or not, you are a terrific person and I miss you more than you know. Looking forward to being in town.

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