Change comes slowly. Too slowly for me. I am undergoing a lot of self examination and changing the things that I have done habitually for 30 years. This seems mountainous to me and I become overwhelmed by it a lot. The biggest thing though, is not to get too much inside my head. The voices will say to me “Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are trying”. Which to you may not sound bad. Trying is better than nothing right? But when your whole life consists of ‘trying’ and never doing, it’s like telling yourself you’re a little bit pregnant when you clearly have a watermelon inside your stomach. It’s a lie. You either are or aren’t Pregnant. You either are or aren’t doing, there is no halfway mark, no grey area, just the facts and results that come with doing and not ‘trying’ to do. This may sound like a rigid line to to take but when you try for 12 years to change and never do, you have to be honest with yourself, trying obviously isn’t the approach to take.
So my journey begins. It is fitting it should start here having just moved. It’s like a new lease on life. I want to own it. I have waisted potential. I have children who need a more present parent.I have a wonderfully commited husband who needs a more present wife. Notice the word ‘present’? I use it a lot. When things get hard or challenging sometimes the reaction is to ‘check out’. But to ignore what needs to be done over and over again is no better then a drug addict taking his dose of whatever to escape the demon he is running away from. It really is the same and yet we tend to be down on the druggie for doing what we ourselves do on the daily when we don’t feel like dealing with the reality of life. The truth is, life is not fair. It is not easy and it requires some hard work to live it properly and with peace. To sit down and continually tell ourselves, we will deal with it later is harmful to ourselves and our spirit. In fact it will slowly kill your spirit.
My issues are outloud. Most people know them. I am trying to figure out life, motherhood, marriage and myself all at once. I was married young, had kids when I was young and thrown into a whirlwind of family changes, personal changes and just plain fucking life. I am sure there are those who can relate. So I went from being a shadow of ‘just Maggie” (a shadow because I was still developing who I was) to being, Maggie the wife, Maggie the mom, Maggie the vacant and checked out. I did not deal well with all the changes and still I struggle with them at times. And somewhere in all that is ‘just Maggie’.
I guess the point is, change fucking sucks. But you have to roll with the punches and take the hits, otherwise you never become stronger or better. And you can’t just try. You have to do and you to remind yourself every day why you are doing what you are. You have to wake up and look at yourself and push yourself to the limit.
So that’s my soapbox speach to myself for the day. Hope you enjoy your sunday.