Being Present.

Change comes slowly. Too slowly for me. I am undergoing a lot of self examination and changing the things that I have done habitually for 30 years. This seems mountainous to me and I become overwhelmed by it a lot. The biggest thing though, is not to get too much inside my head. The voices will say to me “Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are trying”. Which to you may not sound bad. Trying is better than nothing right? But when your whole life consists of ‘trying’ and never doing, it’s like telling yourself you’re a little bit pregnant when you clearly have a watermelon inside your stomach. It’s a lie. You either are or aren’t Pregnant. You either are or aren’t doing, there is no halfway mark, no grey area, just the facts and results that come with doing and not ‘trying’ to do. This may sound like a rigid line to to take but when you try for 12 years to change and never do, you have to be honest with yourself, trying obviously isn’t the approach to take.

So my journey begins. It is fitting it should start here having just moved. It’s like a new lease on life. I want to own it. I have waisted potential. I have children who need a more present parent.I have a wonderfully commited husband who needs a more present wife. Notice the word ‘present’? I use it a lot. When things get hard or challenging sometimes the reaction is to ‘check out’. But to ignore what needs to be done over and over again is no better then a drug addict taking his dose of whatever to escape  the demon he is running away from. It really is the same and yet we tend to be down on the druggie for doing what we ourselves do on the daily when we don’t feel like dealing with the reality of life. The truth is, life is not fair. It is not easy and it requires some hard work to live it properly and with peace. To sit down and continually tell ourselves, we will deal with it later is harmful to ourselves and our spirit. In fact it will slowly kill your spirit.

My issues are outloud. Most people know them. I am trying to figure out life, motherhood, marriage and myself all at once. I was married young, had kids when I was young and thrown into a whirlwind of family changes, personal changes and just plain fucking life. I am sure there are those who can relate. So I went from being a shadow of ‘just Maggie” (a shadow because I was still developing who I was) to being, Maggie the wife, Maggie the mom, Maggie the vacant and checked out. I did not deal well with all the changes and still I struggle with them at times. And somewhere in all that is ‘just Maggie’.

I guess the point is, change fucking sucks. But you have to roll with the punches and take the hits, otherwise you never become stronger or better. And you can’t just try. You have to do and you to remind yourself every day why you are doing what you are. You have to wake up and look at yourself and push yourself to the limit.

So that’s my soapbox speach to myself for the day. Hope you enjoy your sunday.

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10 thoughts on “Being Present.

  1. I struggle a lot with the whole idea of being present. I tend to check out a lot when things get stressful. So I can relate to you on that very much.

  2. Change sucks. i’d have to agree with you. But like everything else, we make it through and soon the change becomes our new “norm” that we don’t want to stray from.

  3. You are not alone. When things get to tough or beyond the realm of my control, I too “check out”. The fact that you realize this and are on a path of “re-birth”, says A LOT about your strengths and the model you are setting for your children. I recently read a book that has helped me find the peace and calm…it is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you havent read it, you should and if you want to private message me your address, I’ll send you a copy. You described perfectly what this book was able to help me see/do, take me out of my head and become “present” for myself and loved ones. I am so rooting for your successes!

  4. Hey girl …. I just want you too know that your not alone. Its tough what we do. I am overwhelmed right now because my husband is going out of town for work a lot! Like all summer… so its me handling everthing! And you do just wanna shut down… I know I do. I just wanna lay in bed and not do shit.
    My favorite thing to tell myself ..Marina… man the fuck up. Go cry or whatever, get it out of your system and carry on.
    I just want you to know you are not alone!
    Not one bit!

    • Thanks lady. I know there are a lot out there who feel the same way and it helps a lot to have written this and to see so many say, “I feel the same way!” Thanks a ton:) Oh and I will b stealing the “man the fuck up” line and applying it to myself.

  5. Just found “Being Present” . If you would like to ” brainstorm ” on some of your blogs with me some time I’d enjoy it. If not, I won’t be offended…. it’s just a thought. You really have some interesting ways of getting your points across and keep the reader’s attention. thanks for the visits. I have missed so much of your life, so look forward to them. Love you all.

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