It is indeed morning. A morning after missing my man and a little too much Jim Beam Black.
I read over my list of music last night and I did indeed forget several but seeing as it was so very long, it’s probably good I did. Plus who is really going to look at all of that? It’s very jumbled but the music is still good so you should definately listen to it.
So, the next subject is abruptly, “My Brother is a Priest.” A good one. By this I mean, he is not superior than thou or heady or youth groupie “my name is Todd and I have a goatee” . He doesn’t try to talk shop (religion) with everyone he comes in meeting with. We get along great and it has been a good,difficult, sad and happy road. Our newer relationship has not come without it’s bumps and bruises and heartache but I know we are better people individually and we are certainly better friends now.
So this morning my brother is speaking for the first time since moving here and I am going to church to support my big brother. I haven’t stepped foot inside a church service for over 6 years. It’s not that I am angry at the church or God or Christians or Catholics or whatever. I really am not. I came to a point where I did a lot of self digging and the excavation is continuing, but in the past 6 years I have questioned, searched and tore out everything inside to find my own answers. They don’t come from a book and it’s not as easy as people want you to believe. Having faith is not always enough. I still believe we are lead by God. Who is this God? Not sure. Maybe he is Jesus, maybe he isn’t. I don’t know and for the moment I am fine with that. My search isn’t over but I guess I am happy in the truth and honesty of stepping back and saying bluntly “I don’t know”. Having said this I do still think that whoever God is, by looking around me, he is a loving God. I don’t believe we are born good or bad but rather blank, a blank slate with the choices laid before us. I also believe we have a sense of what’s right and what’s wrong but if not kept carefully in check, even that can be mushed and become the appearance of too many colors mixed together on a painters pallet.
I had not intended for this to be a post on belief but there it is. I guess it was simmering around in my brain and needed some air.
And now to get myself dressed and drink some more coffee. A LOT more coffee.